Letters to my husband
Letter to my husband
I saw you yesterday and I know you saw me too, but you just passed me as if you hadn’t. I shouted your name really loud but you just kept walking as if I wasn’t there. Was my voice not loud enough and did you not see my smile?
Even when I walked into the house too, you behaved still with scorn. The way you looked at me and smirked your face made me cry. I could not show you though the tears in my eyes because then you could see the defeat I felt that very moment. Instead when I went to the bathroom I just laid in there and I cried. I cry a million times but I just never show you.
I don’t know where it all went wrong that you treat me worse than my own fears. I gave you the beauty of my youth and I gave you all my essence of being a woman. I gave birth to our 3 beautiful children but all I have now is scars that will never fade away.
I went to the doctor yesterday too and when he asked me about the bruises all over my body I just said I was clumsy and fell down the stairs, one time too many. You know every time you raise your hand at me, you take away a piece of my soul. I think I am just an empty shell of a person without a soul considering the number of times you have hit on me and pushed me against the wall. I see the specks of my blood on the wall when I am going up the staircase and no matter how much I wash the walls even with bleach the spots just don’t fade at all.
This house which we bought to call a home is a prison for me. No matter how much heating I put on its still cold for me. I shiver every time I walk through the door even in summer when it is hot outside. My heart pounds really hard, this was meant to be a safe place for me and you know my history.
You know how when I was a young girl that man who was meant to be my guardian abused me and my mama just looked on. You know I was hooked onto drugs and thrown into soliciting just to survive. You know the streets were rough on me. The ghetto corrupted me. You know my life almost ended when I cut my wrists one time too many and I lost so much blood out there on the streets before they found me. You know too how hard it was to have a child because of the abortion I had after the rape when I was 12. My husband you came and you promised me it was all going to be fine.
I got off the streets into this amazing building which was meant to be my security place and here you are today worse than anything I had never imagined.
Please my husband just don’t hit me anymore or raise your hand at me. I am at the point of losing my mind and I am afraid I might lift these tiny worn out hands and take you out. Please I beg you don’t let my children grow without their parents, because I know I will snap one day.
I hope you will read this letter after your dinner and reply me in the morning.
And He said let there be light
Today two things occurred to me out of nowhere. I was at home when I remembered that in the beginning the earth was void and without form and God spoke and he said let there be light. I realised I went to bed last night and it was dark, yet God said let there be light, not darkness, yet at the end of the day darkness comes and morning comes as well. I pondered a bit further not being a scientists though I realised even though day and night are equally divided into two half’s of twelve hours, it stays lighter longer than it stays dark. I began to think why Lord. Why did I have to get this thought into my head? Suddenly I got excited. It occurred to me that yes God did not command darkness but it always comes, meaning at some point in our lives no matter how light darkness will come but the beauty is God is saying look at the day my child, darkness does not last always. I did not command it into existence; it is only for a short time. I spoke light into the world; I will bring and birth the light into your life. Yes my friends, we all have situations but hold fast it’s only a train ride because light is around the corner. Do not despair, do not give up, do not stop dreaming, fail a million times and fall but still get up with the question is today the day I get light if not today then it is only a matter of seconds, the light is drawing nearer
I reiterate once again, overestimating your value in someone else’s life will lead to hurt, not only for yourself but the other people involved. Do not be so full of your own self that you think you are magnificent. There Is only one God in the world, the heavens and earth and I do not remember reading anywhere that God made a man a God that he becomes so important he thinks he is someone’s blessing. Humble yourself before God and man and you will be revered
There are things that everyone should know in life and they form the fundamentals of how we relate to each other. I am often left gobsmacked so to speak when people become envious of other people. It is an outright sin before the heavens to allow a spirit of envy or jealousy settle in your character. My gifts are not your gifts. The anointing that is upon my life is not equal to yours, it may be greater or lesser depending on the circumstances. No two people can ever be the same. So you may plot to bring someone down and be green with envy but you can never be like them. Know when to be competitive and whatever else the little imps in us want you to do. After all God is an infinite being so a child of the most high has unseen strength that others cannot compete against. Does it not say that a thousand shall at the side and ten thousand on the right hand side, yet nothing will touch he who dwells under the shadow of the almighty as God in his supremacy commands Angels to lift you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone. Friends do not drivel in envy and conspiracy, for when the Lion of the tribe of Judah sees the precious tears of his children he will cause havoc upon your enemies
I have not asked you for much, but I have simply needed a little from you. I have not sought diamonds and pearls. They have said the best things in life are free and yet I have not received the free part of you. I have given you the best that I had to give in the hopes of having just having a little from you.
Many a time I have tried to let you see the way things stand from my side but you are too involved in yourself to listen to me. I have sat in the silence of my tears because you hurt me so many times by your words. I just needed you to love me in return. I wanted to make this house a home so much I put my all on the table. Yes we furnished and put the chairs in there but Luther Vandross said it better, a chair is still a chair even if no one is sitting there but a house cannot be a home if there is no one there for me to hold on to and to say good morning to and good night to. Pease do not hold it against me that I have to go and start all over again. I may be tired now but I will build my home again without you and find my peace. I will build it to be my peace and my rest place.
I need the free things in life too